Inside Domestic Violence – What former victims can teach us.

Sidney H. isn’t a victim. Yes, she was victimized and almost died, but she has never let that define her. 

My name is Tim Keck. I’m a retired police chief and court-certified expert in managing threats. I’ve been helping women stay safe since 1979.

I’ve had the honor of getting to know Sidney and speaking on stage with her. She is a strong, successful, and resilient woman who shares a past with some of you, and certainly with some of the women you work with. 

Her story is one of tragedy and triumph. She agreed to share it with the world to help other women. Please learn all you can from the following interview. 

Tim: When you were younger, what did you think married life would look like for you? 

Sidney: As a child I always dreamed of the fairy tales I grew up watching on television. But I soon realized that’s not necessarily how the world works. 

Tim: Did you have a good model of marriage? 

Sidney: No. My parents were alcoholics and casual drug users, and my dad could be abusive. When I was 13, he attacked my mom for the last time and got arrested. They both quit using drugs and got counseling to better their lives. But for years mom used to say, “What happens in the house stays in the house.” That belief set me up to fail when I got married. 

Tim: Before you married, what kind of men/relationships were you involved in? Were you drawn to a certain type of guy? 

Sidney: I was drawn to more dominant men, men that were very controlling.  

Tim: Once you started dating your future husband, were there any signs that he might have violent tendencies?

Sidney: He love-bombed me HARD. He was everything I needed him to be at the time, but it was an act.

Tim: When was the first time you knew for sure there was a problem? 

Sidney: When I was four months pregnant, he lost his temper and it scared me, but he apologized and promised he would never hurt me.

Tim: Over what period of time did things escalate? 

Sidney: Very quickly. As we were enroute to the hospital to have my daughter he went from being caring and attentive to verbally abusive. Two days later when we returned home from the hospital was the first time he hit me. 

Tim: Did you find the pattern of “abuse, apologize, repeat” or something similar happening? 

Sidney: Absolutely. I couldn’t understand what I did to deserve this treatment.

Tim: After the first time or two, why did you stay? 

Sidney: He broke me down psychologically bit by bit until the “me” I had known for 27 years was gone.

Tim: Did any of your friends or coworkers notice or try to help? 

Sidney: No. He had cut all my friends and family from my life. 

Tim: How bad did it get?

Sidney: I almost died, the police told the judge that had they not arrived when they did it would have been a murder case and not a domestic abuse case. 

Tim: How did you ever break free? 

Sidney: One night it got so bad that, after an hours-long beating, I was able to call 911. 

Tim: What was the hardest part about living with the abuse? 

Sidney: The fear of him killing me and then hurting my babies. 

Tim: What was the hardest part about leaving? 

Sidney: Because he had broken me so badly, I thought I was incapable of doing anything without him. 

Tim: What do you wish your employer or friends or someone had done?

Sidney: Just asked if I was ok or told me “Hey we know something is going on. Let us help you.”

Tim: What would you want employers to know about supporting abuse victims?

Sidney: Give them grace. Victims are abused physically and mentally. Even when they break free, they are going to go through growing pains and it’s not going to be pretty. Please understand it is because they are learning who they are again, and they have freedom they haven't had for years. Boundaries will be tested, and emotions will be all over the place. 

If you are a leader or HR professional, whatever you do, don’t make it worse. When I was struggling so badly, my boss singled me out and began to pick apart everything I did. She told her boss that while I was good with customers, I wasn’t building relationships with my coworkers. Truth is, I didn’t know how. I was reprimanded and my incentives taken away at a time when I needed them the most.  I voiced concerns to HR, but they fell on deaf ears. 

Until my manager left the company, my work life felt like another round of abuse.

All my boss or HR had to do was ask me what was going on. If I’d felt like someone cared about me as a person, I would have told them the truth about my situation. But no one asked. All I received was criticism at a time when I needed caring. 

Tim: What else do you want people to know about this topic?

Sidney: There is hope! I am a living example of that. I've overcome what happened to me and never let it define who I am. I am thriving, but I had to put in the work to get there. I have now been promoted several times at my job, just married my best friend, and I'm finally living the fairytale I always dreamt of. 

SafeHaven Security Group teaches seminars on this topic and anything related to keeping your people safe from violence. Reach out to us today at www.SafeHavenSecurityGroup.com or call 844-SAFEGROUP to learn more. If you have questions or comments for Sidney or Tim, you may email directly at  tim@safehavensecuritygroup.com.